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You must own a Scofield Bible and
then Preach that GOD can't use a divorced man like Schofield.
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You must believe that God
invented dresses
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It is required that you have food
at all meetings
-
If an altar call is not included
at the end of all services, you are unbiblical
-
Your pastor calls pants on woman
an “abomination”, but his wife wears them at home
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You must believe and preach that
smoking hurts the body, but being 300 pounds overweight is okay
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You must have at least seven
deacons in a congregation size of twelve
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You must run a Bus/Van Route
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You must have a choir that sings
so loud you get a headache!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Your choir must sing a minimum of
six songs and nine specials.
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It is required that you bow your
head and close your eyes during invitation
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The requirement for the deacons
is that he will take the heat for the pastor’s mistakes
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Soul winning is only for Thursday
night and Saturday mornings
-
Money is talked about more than
lost souls
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You must sell your sermon tapes
and books and T-shirts and Hats and Tie's and coffee pots cause
JESUS is big money and tell them GOD gave you this sermon but you
have the copyright and GOD lets you keep the Proceeds, so if GOD
inspired it then it belongs to GOD, RIGHT then your selling stolen
Property.
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Your pastor reads one verse then
screams and spits for an hour. And there must be a “moving”
illustration.
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“Just as I am” is played at the
end of every service, and you must sing it over and over
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The pastor’s wife is invisible to
the congregation and never shakes hands at the door
-
You hear about some “big” college
more than you do about Jesus and tell them your not right unless you
go to HAC where you will learn how to Baptize 4,000 a day and then
Schaap will teach you that you do not have an inspired Bible and if
you believe the Bible is inspired your a Catholic or crazymatic or a
hillbilly says Schaap.
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You hear very little about
missionaries because no one really cares and the pastor can not
remember who they support but Pastor knows 99% of his moochinarys go
to Mexico or Philippines or Montana, which everybody with a pea size
brain knows there are more missionaries in Mexico than Mexicans they
are all here in the USA so missionary take your siesta and run to
the mail box and raise your children to be parasites like your self,
JESUS people will pay you.
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The tracts must be printed and
used by the “big” colleges and schools
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Smoking is okay on church grounds
as long as that person is related to the pastor
-
When your pastor’s sermon matches
word-for-word what you read in a book by a “big name” or pastor
stays on the computer all days on Kids guestbook while his people
are working a job to pay this lazy slob a salary.
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When a visitor sits in a member’s
pew they are glared at or even asked to move
-
Attendance is low, but there is
still talk about building that “larger church” spend your savings.
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When wearing a dress fit for a
prostitute is biblical because it isn’t pants
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When someone is caught swaying to
a gospel song it is considered dancing
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You must consider the “Red
Hymnal” just as inspired as the Bible
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Your midweek service must be on a
Wednesday
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As a pastor, you haven’t
“arrived” until your weekly schedule has you preaching in large
churches across the county
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Members can not have a beard
{men}.
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AND THE BEST OF ALL YOU MUST HAVE
SUNDAY SCHOOL.
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Must have at least three services
a week.
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You quit evangelism because you
could not make it, then you feel led
to Pastor you a Church with a Parsonage, Paycheck, Phone, Perks.
Then you stay on the road Preaching Revivals so you can double your
money and let the Church just see you on Sundays, then bring your
pals
in for Revival cause you will need them after you lose this Church,
but for
now you have the keys to the treasury and the church trust you like
a Idiot.
I believe when a Pastor Preaches over three Revivals a yr the Church
ought
take that weeks check away from him as he made that week in Revival.
